Yet it's clear that not every child sticks to the stereotypes: Some girls are into sports, some boys wants to draw and read, and some kids realize that they're gay and will never follow most gender rules. I saw the young sons of some friends of mine routinely paint their nails with glittery polish and dress up in glam clothes, yet once in school both self-identified as boys. Because their parents sat back and simply watched as their kids crossed traditional gender lines, the kids didn't feel pressure to conform but were free to explore individuality.

Again, relax. Nothing you do or don't do will save your child from whatever your fear is. If you let them explore gender roles without pushing them, perhaps they will come to you if they ever have any fears. I'm working on this one myself since I'm fairly quick to say, "Um, how is that a boy thing?" when my kindergartner says something like "Only boys ride motorcycles."

The research, however, comes in handy as a reassuring explanation when we need it: "My little boy has a hard time calming down. But hey, he's behaving like little boys usually do." Overall, though, most of this research hasn't been followed into adulthood, so we really don't know if any of these differences in infancy make a big difference later in life.

Whew! The girliest of girls might turn out to be a boxer and the queen of the tomboys might end up a supermodel.

These snippets are reassuring mostly because parenthood is so full of guilt and consequence. If we don't get our kids into the best pre-school we might as well write off an Ivy League career. So run with this one parents...The research seems to say we're off the hook! Whether we outfit our girls in nothing but pink, she still might be the butchest of the butch. And our boys who aren't the most athletic might blossom into quite a rugby player in college.

But when it comes to teaching our kids about gender roles we are not off the hook. A recent tragedy shows us all too well that what we teach our kids about gender roles teaches them about how other kids are to be viewed.

Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, 11, hung himself at home April 6 after enduring bullying at his Springfield, Mass., school, including daily taunts of being gay. His mother reportedly complained to the school weekly, according to the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN).

It's unclear what rules Carl broke that prompted his classmates to label him as gay. But it seems clear that he did, they taunted him and that pushed him to a brink where most of us can't fathom. We aren't protecting our kids by teaching them to be manly or girly. We are teaching that not being manly or girly is wrong.

[Image: Ellen Crane / NY Times]