It would be a desolate, barren, humorless scene of quiet streets, isolated protests, handfuls of guys with the same haircut and the same blue shirt slogging their way from one building to the next carrying paper cups from Starbucks.

It would have a few bands playing to invisible audiences, not counting the cops who are stationed there to prevent any violent outbursts -- an absurdity underscored by its utter lack of necessity.

It would likely be overcast, punctuated by bracing winds and spitting rain.

In other words, it would look exactly like downtown St. Paul this week.

Compared to Denver and the Democratic National Convention last week, St. Paul and the RNC feel like the unpopular kid's party that no one really wanted to attend. But not the kind of unpopular kid you'd root for in a John Hughes movie -- a misunderstood, awkward, but effortlessly charming outcast who manages to come out ahead in the end.

No, this kind of unpopular kid is unpopular because he's a jerk, and he thinks too highly of himself to stop being one. He decides to throw a party and cockily invites everyone he knows, only to find himself pulling the wings off of insects alone in his basement as a few of his acquaintances linger in the game room, munching on Chex-Mix.

In both cases, it's hard to tell if the attendees are loyalists or just moochers, sticking around for the "schwag."

If it weren't for the pervasive road blocks, making it impossible to traverse downtown St. Paul, or the police in full riot gear, you'd never know that Laura Bush, Joe Lieberman and Fred Thompson were speaking at the Xcel Energy Center last night. In fact, the only people who seem to care that the RNC is even happening -- at least visibly -- are the protest groups and the gestapo-like policemen whose job it is to stop them, or stomp them, as in the case of one young man who was allegedly pushed from his bicycle and kicked until he was vomiting blood.

But among the earnest GOP followers, there is a shocking lack of enthusiasm here. No one seems to care that much about the convention, and there doesn't appear to be any confidence that McCain is going to win.

I'm not saying that he won't, or that the numbers indicating how close the race is are wrong; I'm just saying that if an alien came down from outer-space and was asked to judge, by the conventions alone, which candidate would be in the White House in 2009, the question would elicit an immediate, deep, full-abdominal laugh -- or the alien equivalent of one, anyway.